Monday, May 17, 2010

Blogfest: Let's Talk

Well, I guess I missed a few blogfests. What can I say? Next time I'll catch 'em.


But today is the "Let's talk" blogfest, so talk we shall. I just did some very light revisions on this piece, and trust me, I'm sure I missed great gobs of stuff. So comment away, okay? (Did you notice that rhymed? Yeah, I'm tired.) It's long, so stop reading whenever you want.

And check out the other partakers here. Oh, and thanks to Roni, our host!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Well, what’s your name?” he asked.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“I asked what your name is.”

This wasn’t at all going the way she wanted it too. This wasn’t how she imagined intruders. This wasn’t how she imagined anyone. “What’s yours?”

He grinned. “Okay, then. You can call me John.”

“John what?” she asked. She crossed her arms.

“There is no last name. You can call me John.”

“You have to have a last name.”

“I do, but I don’t want you to call me by it. Now, aren’t you going to tell me your name?”

“It doesn’t matter what my name is,” she said. “However, since this is my place, and not yours, and I don’t know you and I doubt very much that you are friends with my roommate, who, by the way, will be home very soon, it matters very much what your name is.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

They stared at each other while he ate the sandwich.

“So, your roommate’s coming?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, hoping he couldn’t tell she was lying.

“He’s your boyfriend?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, he is,” she said. “And he won’t take kindly to you, I can tell you.”

John smiled, and stepped forward. He dropped his voice. “He must make love to you every night, and thank his lucky stars that he’s with you as he does,” he said.

“Excuse me?” She flushed again, and stepped back into the refrigerator.

“And he must really like the color pink, too,” he said. “Because it’s everywhere in here.” He tipped his head, and his voice dropped to a whisper. “But you don’t seem like a pink sort of girl.”

Did he see everything? No, she didn’t like pink as much as Jenna. Jenna was the reason behind the pink.

“You don’t have a boyfriend coming home,” he said. “I doubt that you have a boyfriend.”

She looked up at him, embarrassed and angry. “You don’t know anything.”

“I don’t know about that.” He laughed.

“Why are you here?” she asked.

He ignored her question. “You don’t have a boyfriend. You’re buttoned up to here,” he said, pointing at her neck. She reached up and fingered the offending button. “You’re bursting to be loved, to be that object. And you’re afraid. Not just of me. You’re afraid.”

“And you,” she said, her cheeks burning. She was angry. Angry that he could see things. She fingered the top button of her shirt again. “You’re hiding out. You’re afraid. You expect me to believe you, and you come in here and tell me about my awful existence, and stand as close as you can, and you know what you’re doing—you know…”

He grinned, and she stood up.

“You need to go now.”

“I don’t want to go,” he said. “I like you, you know.”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t like you.”

“You tend to get to read people well, when you have to,” he said.

“You didn’t even tell me your real name.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I did.” He smiled. “You ought to have a boyfriend. Someone to love you.”

“Who are you hiding from?” she asked him.

He sighed. “From the police,” he said. “You should have figured that out by now.”

“I had.” She glared at him.

“I didn’t kill anyone,” he said.

“Then what did you do, and why are you here?” she asked. “I’m tired of asking.”

“Then it’s a good time to stop,” he said. “And speaking of that, maybe we should go back to the other room—you don’t look comfortable, up against the refrigerator like that.” He smiled. “Nice, but not comfortable.”
**Some notes: Jenna is her roommate; he is escaped from prison and ended up at her and Jenna's apartment on a weekend in which she (unnamed character) is all alone.

12 comments:

Amalia T. said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

This is my favorite short story of yours ever and you should send it to me again to reread and then you should submit it to magazines because I love it that much.

That being said, you have some extra tags that I will be HAPPY, THRILLED, ECSTATIC to remove for you if you send me the full! PleaseandThankyou! (Yes, I am holding my tag critique hostage until I get your short story in my hot little hands again!)

Dawn Embers said...

Great entry for the blogfest. There is a strange sense going on, different dynamics than most stories. Seems a bit weird but the situation plays to that effect. Well done.

Stephanie Thornton said...

Super fun! Good dialogue is hard to write, but you've done a great job here!

Mia said...

Oh wow! This is great dialogue! A great piece all round :~)

Donna Hole said...

Descriptive dialogue. Lots going on here, but it is well paced and perfectly excuted to develop character and backstory both. I'm getting a sense of where the plot might go also.

Good planning and execution.

......dhole

Tessa Conte said...

Great dialogue, I particularly like the play with the name. Good mix of tagless and tagged lines, too!

I think I like "John", he's interesting... are we going to hear more about these two? *cheeky grin* Please?

Charity Bradford said...

Wait, is this the same story where there is an almost kiss? I read so many blogs I get mixed up, but this sounds familiar to me.

I hope it is. So totally creepy and steamy at the same time because I'm thinking of that other scene.

Falen said...

this was awesome fun!
loved the "buttoned up to here" comment

Just Another Sarah said...

Amalia: Hahaha!

Dawn: Thanks! You're right about the situation being a bit weird, but I'm glad it works for you.

Stephanie: Thanks! I'm so glad you think so!

Mia: Thanks! I am glad you like it!

Donna: I feel my head is about to burst from all the compliments. Thanks ever so for commenting. I'm glad it worked for you.

Tessa: Well, as Charity below you has asked, I did use a partial scene from this for a previous blogfest, if you're interested. Go to this link: http://sciensmulier.blogspot.com/2010/04/eep-murder-scene-blogfestfirst-kiss.html

Charity: It was the first kiss blogfest! I'm impressed you remembered. Check that link above, if you're interested.

Falen: Thanks! I'm so glad!

Charity Bradford said...

Oh, yeah, that's the one. Thanks for the link. Ah, yep. I think I'm hooked on this story and look forward to more of it. :D

Why is something that sounds and feels so dangerous as an escaped convict kissing you so hot? Do I just need more adventure in my boring life? LOL

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I would LOVE to read more of this. You said it was long, and to stop reading whenever we wanted -- but it didn't feel long at all.

One suggestion I have is that it could feel even creepier than it does already... and I would like a more physical description of the setting (which you may have already written in prior paragraphs) because it took me a minute to realize that he wasn't just at the door and that they were already in the kitchen.

Also, I'd like a more physical description of him!

LOVED the line "This wasn’t how she imagined intruders."

Eric W. Trant said...

Dangerous story. Excellent tension.

I liked his, "You should stop asking" comment.

Never noticed the tags. Perhaps they were already removed by the time I read?

- Eric